“my” church?

"its our building!!" ..."no, it's mine- you didn't earn it!"...

not long ago, i read about some turmoil at a large church in florida. after calling a new pastor and merging with another congregation, everything seemed to be going smoothly. the church was growing, reaching new people and preaching the gospel faithfully. still, some of the members who had been at the church before the merge began to grumble and went public with their displeasure. the quote that grabbed me went something like this; “it’s not that we don’t want these new people. it’s just that they were meeting in a school cafeteria and now they are here in our large and beautiful facilities and they didn’t earn it!”.

this is both tragic and sad on multiple levels, not the least of which is that in their community and now nationally, rather than being known for its gospel witness, this church’s reputation is that new members didn’t earn the building they worship in (whatever that means).

unfortunately, similar situations play out in churches all over the country. in order to avoid these tragic situations we must remember that the church is a people, not a building, and that those people are believers in jesus christ, who loved them so much that he gave himself up for them so that they would be holy. (eph. 5:23-27) then we must remember that not one member of the church deserves anything but the wrath of god. we do not deserve nice buildings, furniture, large offerings, etc. all we deserve, like all of mankind, is the wrath of god. but it is by grace we are saved- and we are saved to salvation in christ- not to big nice church buildings. (eph. 2:1-9)

all of us stand on equal ground at the foot of the cross. we are all sinners in need of the grace of god. there should never be a time when we look down on anyone coming to our churches because they haven’t been there as long as we have, or don’t know the local traditions that we fight so hard to protect. the purpose of any gospel church is the glory of god through the gospel of jesus christ. the moment we become more concerned with protecting our buildings, our programs and our local traditions than with reaching the lost and promoting the gospel, we begin living as if the cross was merely a past event that provides us with a symbol, rather than the ultimate act of grace and mercy that should daily cause us to walk in humility and gratitude. maybe then the world will see us less as a dysfunctional family fighting over our toys and more as people consumed with joy for the lord and his gospel.

 

lost in translations

greek - the original language of the new testament

as a pastor, i am frequently asked “which bible version is best” or “which bible should i use?”. i am partial to the esv or nasb, but i have no qualms with someone who uses the kjv, nkjv, niv, etc. (assuming their translation is that, a *translation* of the original languages- not a paraphrase).
rather than deciding for people which bible translation they should use, i usually offer the following advice:

 

How Should I Choose a Bible Translation?

• Should be based on the best available and most reliable
  Greek and Hebrew manuscripts.
• Based on the latest (most accurate) knowledge of
  language and culture.
• Maintains a healthy balance of accuracy and
  understandability.***
• Remains dignified. (no irreverence in the way
  content is treated or delivered)
• Avoids bias – no “agenda” inserted into the text or the presentation/packaging/contents (see the myriad of “genre”‘ bibles)

***types of approaches to translations:

Formal Equivalency – a word for word translation (New King James, New American Standard, English Standard Version)

Dynamic Equivalency – a thought-by-thought translation (New International Version, New Living Translation)

Paraphrase – A translation based on a “how I would say it” approach not usually dependent on original languages. (The Message and the like)

as for me, i most often use the nasb or esv for bible study because i want to know word for word what was said. sometimes meaning can become less clear when translated thought by thought. this does not mean that dynamic equivalency is bad or useless. i will often read parts of the old testament (leviticus through deuteronomy and sometimes the psalms) from the new living translation.

regardless of which translation you use (assuming it is a valid translation-one of the ones mentioned above or based on similar criteria) the point is spending time reading, meditating and applying the scriptures. only then will we be “…transformed by the renewing of our minds”

 

don’t be “that person” on halloween…

don't be this house...

though i prefer to point people to a much better oct. 31st happening, this time of year, i came across a great blog post here concerning those who think participating in halloween is an endorsement of satan worship and baby eating. here is the conclusion.

[regarding the complaint] “It is not about the lights being on. Its not about giving out candy. Its about participating in the evil deeds of darkness. Don’t you know the roots of Halloween?”

Give me a break. Who have you been reading? Whoever it is, stop. First of all, how many kids do you know that are into witchcraft, Satan worship, or necromancy? What happened? Your eight-year-old was walking down the street in her witch costume and thought to herself:
“I suddenly feel myself tempted to say a chant and worship Satan”?

[reply] ’No, it happens subtly. You know, like with Harry Potter.”

Yeah, that is right. In twenty-first century America, I can see how much satanism has grown because of Harry Potter and Halloween. Witchcraft is the primary thing that young kids are having to recover from. Its not sexual promiscuity, its not our greed or materialism, its not moms and dads who can’t demonstrate commitment and love, its not a compromise of the Gospel. Its witchcraft. Its our kids becoming ghosts on Halloween…(Oh, and one more thing. Don’t just give out tracts…Shame, shame. Give out the best candy in the neighborhood. Let people know that you are the house that is not cheap.)

you can read the whole thing here.

everyone is entitled to their opinion, and there is no bible verse on halloween, so we must be careful not to place the limits of our conscience on anyone else. but there is something to be said for exercising discernment while using such an obvious opportunity to be a light of the gospel in our dark world.

ht:  vitamin z

 

when death is a joke…

[the following was written for a couple of local newspapers for which i write a (irregular) bi-weekly column- hence the capital letters- i hope you will understand!]

On a recently aired taping of his popular late night talk show, David Letterman admitted to committing adultery with multiple women who work on his show. The audience’s reaction? Laughter. For over ten minutes Letterman described the situation and was interrupted by laughter and applause. At one point Letterman even stops and looks bewildered, asking “Why is that funny?”

Days later I recently listened to a conference talk given by a well known pastor and author. At the beginning of his talk, he confessed that he was very aware of his own sinfulness. The audience laughed. He continued, recounting how he often struggled with pride, insensitivity, and other attitudes and behaviors that were sinful. The audience continued laughing- so much so that the speaker paused and said “I am not sure why you are laughing?” The response? More laughter.

Yes Christians can laugh and enjoy life. We do not have to go through life always somber and morose.  but what are we saying we approve of with our laughter? Why is it that sin, which scripture tells us is an affront to God Himself, something that He hates and will punish, has become a laughing matter, even among Christians? I am not suggesting that we make out a list and demand everyone follow extra-biblical regulations as the Pharisees did. I am suggesting that we ought to take to heart scriptures exhortation to “not be conformed to this world” and keep ourselves “unstained by the world.” (Rom. 12:2 & James 1:27)

The problem for most of us, regarding those things what we give our approval, is not that we are too strict. Rather, it is that we all too often are accepting of, if not supporting of things that would provoke a troubled sadness rather than a chuckle from our Savior. How many of us say things prefaced by “I know I shouldn’t’t laugh at this, but…” or “I know this is bad, but it is so funny!”?  Philippians 4:8 is should be our guide, not what is culturally (even in our churches) acceptable.

 It is a lie of this world that if we acknowledge that something is inappropriate before we indulge in it, that it is o.k. to enjoy it. Perhaps when the world sees us grieving rather than grinning over sin, they will take more seriously the gospel we share that says Jesus came to save us from our sins, not laugh at them.  Therein lies true joy.

 

muddying the waters…

rob bell's theology is cracked at best, and maybe even dangerous...

“wolf in sheep’s clothing”, “hearers wanting their ears tickled”. scripture warns in several places that there will be a day when the truth of the gospel gets watered down or even changed for the sake of making it more palatable, or simply to deceive.

those days are here. (and they always have been).

i am not at a point where i would say rob bell, a leading figure in the emergent church movement, is deliberately leading people astray with his confused (at best) gospel message. but i have read enough of what he has said and written to steer people away from his teaching.

i have read about some more of his recent  interviews in several places and was going to comment, but then i saw kevin deyoung’s post and thought i would just quote him at length. kevin’s blog is a great read (as are his books). you can keep up with the blog  here.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

Rob Bell’s theological trajectory is not good. Case in point, this article from the Boston Globe.

Here, for example, is Bell’s definition of an evangelical, completely devoid of any theological or historical meaning.

I embrace the term evangelical, if by that we mean a belief that we together can actually work for change in the world, caring for the environment, extending to the poor generosity and kindness, a hopeful outlook. That’s a beautiful sort of thing.

And here’s Bell’s take on the heart of Christianity:

At the heart of the Christian story is resurrection, the belief that this world is good, and that, as a follower of Jesus, a belief that God hasn’t abandoned the world, but is actively at work in the world. Even in the midst of what can look like despair and destruction there is a new creation present.

He gets two points for mentioning resurrection and minus ten points for not mentioning the resurrection, the resurrection of Jesus Christ for the justification of sinners (Rom. 4:25). I think Bell believes in the historical resurrection of Christ, but to tell the Boston Globe that the heart of Christianity is simply our belief that God can bring good out of evil is to sell the farm.

At one point the interviewer notices the Rob doesn’t talk about religion or even mention Jesus very much. To which Bell replies:

I think we have enough religious people who are going around trying to convert people. My guard is up when somebody is trying to convert me to their thing. Are you talking to me because you actually are interested in this subject, because you care about me as a human, or am I one more possible conversion that will make you feel good about your religiosity? I don’t have any embarrassment about my religion, and it’s not that I’m too cool, but I would hope that the Jesus message would come through, hopefully through a full humanity. If you have something to say, whether you’re religious or not, if it is truly Christian and Jesus-centered, then it will help and be interesting and compelling to people, regardless of their world view. But I’m not just interested in talking to Christians. I’m interested in what does it mean to be fully human.

This is just so confused and unhelpful. It is classic old-school liberalism: Jesus as the fullest flower of fair humanity. The emphasis on creation has swallowed up the biblical notion of redemption. The shocking, vibrant apostolic message centered on the life, death, resurrection, coming kingdom, and coming judgment of Jesus Christ has morphed in a banal, same-old-same-old message about actualizing our humanity.

Yes, there are hucksters for the “faith” trying to cajole people into the kingdom. But before we chide those interested in conversion, we should remember that when King Agrippa asked Paul if he was trying to persuade him to be a Christian, Paul said “I would to God that not only you but also all who hear me this day might become such as I am” (Acts 26:29). And this was after he talked openly–to secular people mind you–about repentance, the sufferings of Christ, and the resurrection of Jesus from the dead.

I want to think Rob’s theology is better than what comes across in print. But the fact is that I never hear him in an interview (nor elsewhere for that matter) give an explanation of the gospel or a summary of the heart of Christianity that sounds anything like what we read from Peter, Paul, or Jesus. Rob is trying to help people. I bet he’s a nice, sincere guy. I’m sure he faces demands and pressures that I can’t imagine. But he keeps getting the most important questions wrong, and his theology keeps getting worse and worse.

I don’t know how to say this without sounding really condescending, but we should pray that the Lord would give Rob a clearer sense of the gospel and a courage to share it with all the winsomeness, cultural relevance, forthrightness, and biblical fidelity that Paul displayed at the original Mars Hill in Acts 17. No matter the extremes he may have seen in some unhealthy backwards churches out there, there’s no excuse for so frequently and so painfully botching the basic plotline of the Bible and ignoring the most important contours of the faith. With Rob’s notoriety, he has no choice but to ignore most of what people say about him. But I hope that he is open to thoughtful criticism. Not from me, but from someone he trusts who can ask some hard questions prod him back to surer ground.

I wouldn’t bother to mention Bell except that his influence and his church are larger than life in my old hometown. Emergent Village may be a falling star, but Rob Bell still draws a crowd. Talk to most youth group kids in America and they’ve not heard of Brian McLaren; they’re not reading Joel Osteen; most of them (unfortunately in my opinion) are probably not reading John Piper, and they’re certainly reading Kevin DeYoung less than any of those other guys. But they know Rob Bell. He is reaching many people, especially the young.

But, as always, the question is: what is he reaching them with? Not with the good stuff of the good deposit I’m afraid (2 Timothy 1:8-14).

 

david robinson – slam dunk: michael jordan – airball

david robinson - head and shoulders above m.j. in more ways than one

on his website, voddie baucham has written his thoughts on two very distinctly different speeches given by hall of fame basketball players david robinson and michael jordan.

i was a huge michael jordan fan. my bedroom throughout my teenage years was covered in no less than a dozen michael jordan posters. i watched every game i could on television. i even watched a game from twelve years ago on television the other night and i have on more than one occasion over teh past 11 years watched the last game of the 1998 finals that i recorded. and i mean watched the whole thing. time outs, halftime, everything

i actually got to see m.j. play in person once. my friend matt and i sat in near silence the whole time – watching his every move.

all of that to say this: it is extremely disappointing to read/ hear his speech. as baucham points out, it was self-serving, at times rude, and unflinchingly selfish. in contrast david robinson, who would probably admit with everyone else that m.j. was the greatest player ever, built up his family, his teammates, and other influences in his life.

michael jordan’s attitude and words at the induction do not take away from the fact that he was by far the most dominant player ever to play professional basketball. but they do point out that being excellent at something is no substitute for character, humility, and true gratitude.

read baucham’s analysis here

 

joel osteen:deadly message with a smile??

joel osteen has been a hot topic, both positivley and negativley for several years now. the longer i am a pastor, the more people i encounter that have had his message so entrenched in their understanding that they have trouble separating osteen’s selfhelp/esteem rhetoric from the actual gospel. because i have been having this conversation more and more lately, i wanted to re-post some thoughts on joel osteen and his “ministry” in the hopes that people will see why i think joel osteen is harmful to the church, even if he doesn’t mean to be.
________________________________________________________________________________________
 i saw an interview once that made me wonder why anyone in our country, let alone the world, would take american evangelical christians seriously. the interview was from the program 60 minutes that aired sunday night, october 14th. 2007.
one of the segments was devoted to joel osteen. now i can hear some of you saying “ok stephen, we know, you hate joel osteen… give the guy a break.”

while i have discussed joel osteen in the past on this blog, it is not true that i hate him. in fact, i honestly believe that he is sincere in what he is doing and what he teaches. i also believe that he means no harm and has all of the best intentions in the world. i do not believe that he would deliberately lead people astray.

but sincerity can be sincerely wrong.

the fact that he has a large church is not the primary reason that i am so wary of him. some of my greatest influences(spurgeon, piper, etc.) pastor or pastored churches with thousands in attendance.

large crowds do not an evil preacher make.

the fact is, i do not hate joel osteen. i fear him. more accurately, i fear the effect he has on the thousands who are given a hopeless hope.

why?
for starters, here is how 60 minutes started their program:

Osteen preaches his own version of what is known as the
“prosperity gospel” — that God is a loving, forgiving
God who will reward believers with health, wealth and
happiness. It’s the centerpiece of every sermon

 so what is it that america’s “most popular preacher” and the “most influential christian in the country” teaches?

Joel Osteen’s positive, upbeat can-do message has turned
him into America’s most popular preacher and earned him
the title of most influential Christian in the country.
He pastors the biggest and fastest growing
American church and his services are the most watched
religious broadcast in the country

 as stated before on this blog, it is hard to reconcile this with the scores of passages that promise suffering and for some, torture and death for the sake of the gospel. what would the believers in third world countries who go to bed hungry or are persecuted by their government for their faith think of osteen’s message that god will reward believers with health, wealth and prosperity?

quoting osteen, the interviewer notices what i hope you have noticed by now..

[quoting osteen]
‘To become a better you, you must be positive towards
yourself, develop better relationships, embrace the place
where you are.’[end quote]
Not one mention of God in that. Not one mention of
Jesus Christ in that,” [the interviewer] remarks.

[OSTEEN:]“That’s just my message. There is scripture in there
that backs it all up. But I feel like, Byron, I’m called
to help people…how do we walk out the Christian life?
How do we live it? And these are principles that can
help you. I mean, there’s a lot better people qualified
to say, ‘Here’s a book that going to explain the scriptures
to you.’ I don’t think that’s my gifting,” Osteen says.

the problem is, pastors and preachers in the new testament are called to use scripture, to teach their hearers the word of god.
paul told timothy “preach the word” jesus commanded to “teach them to observe all things i have commanded”. the new testament is full of passages speaking of “preaching” being the proclamation of the gospel to unbelievers and the reiterating of the need for the gospel in the lives of the believers. the new testament is a collection of books written to believers with its emphasis being the glory of god in the gospel of jesus christ. our need for the gospel isn’t over after conversion!

so i guess therein lies the root of my problem with joel osteen. what he does is not preaching.
now you may ask… why does that matter?

here is why it matters.

“I like to see myself as a life coach, a motivator to
help them experience the life of God that God has
for them. People don’t like to be beat down and told ‘
You’ve done wrong… think that most people already
know what they’re doing wrong. And for me to get in
here and just beat ‘em down and talk down to ‘em,
I just don’t think that inspires anybody to rise higher.
But I want to motivate. I wanna motivate every person
to leave here to be a better father, a better husband, to
break addictions to come up higher in their walk with the Lord “

if joel were simply on the speaking circuit doing motivational speeches, with the same content, at conferences, business luncheons and trainings, self help groups, etc., for the most part, i wouldn’t bother being worried about the content of what he teaches.

but the rub comes in here. people don’t go to motivational speakers with an idea that what they are hearing will make them right with god. the preacher doesn’t have to “beat people down” with what they have done wrong. but he is called to make people aware that their sin separates them from god and nothing they can do will ever be enough to earn his favor or mercy. this opens the door for teaching of grace and mercy!

osteen’s message is that we are good people who haven’t reached the goodness of our internal potential because of external problems.
the bible’s message is that the problem is internal and the remedy is external.. in christ.

these are two different messages.

the gospel as presented by jesus and his disciples is this “repent and believe”.
yet osteen himself in this 60 minute special and in an interview with larry king has explicitly stated that he tries to steer clear of speaking of sin or guilt.
how can one in need of the gospel “repent” if they have never been told they are in need of it and what it *means* to be a sinner in need of repentance?

so how is it that those who need the gospel can hear it at one of osteen’s services?

these verses from romans are quite troubling in light of what osteen *isn’t* saying:
rom. 10:13-15
For “everyone who calls on the name of
the Lord will be saved.” How then will they
call on him in whom they have not believed?
And how are they to believe in him of
whom they have never heard? And how are they to
hear without someone preaching? And how are
they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written,
“How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the
good news!”

 suppose someone goes to osteen’s church. the are motivated by what they hear. they may even take great steps in improving their lifestyle. that is a credit to the way osteen seeks to encourage his hearers to take responsibility for their lives.

 but what if they are lost?

 

will they ever hear the call to “repent and believe”? do they even know their need for the gospel? or is what they hear convincing them that the secret to happiness lies within themselves and their own efforts? hopefully you can see how dangerous this is.

osteen is not unaware of his critics. he responds to the charge that his teaching is dangerous by saying that “there is nothign wrong with giving hope” and “it’s not as if i am preaching a false god”.

 

osteen may not be preaching a “false god”, but is he building up the “self” to the detriment of the realization for the need for the gospel?

i occasionally will watch osteen’s services late on sunday nights. its true that he will hold up his bible and say (with those in attendance repeating after him):

This is my Bible.
I am what it says I am.
I have what it says I have.
I can do what it says I can do.
Today I will be taught the Word of
God.
I boldly confess my mind is alert, my heart is receptive.
I will never be the same.
I am about to receive the incorruptible, indestructible,
ever-living seed of the Word of God.
I will never be the same. Never, never, never.
I will never be the same. In Jesus name.
Amen

 after reciting this (notice the power of what “i” can do), osteen goes on to give clever jokes, some anecdotes, and some encouraging comments after having read a passage of scripture. but he never preaches the word of god. he simply uses a text for the starting point of a motivational talk which is usually not at all the point of the text he just read.

i am scared for the lost persons (perhaps in the hundreds or thousands) who attend lakewood’s services or watch on television and think that because they have heard and sincerely believe what osteen has said, that their attendance or assent to the “message” makes them right with god.

so what you have is a 20 or 30 minute motivational talk that encourages people to try hard and not give up, that god wants good things for them, then says “if you want to become a christian say this…”

this is terrifying.

certainly the bible does speak to what are called “practical matters” of life; love, finances, work, relationships, etc. but from genesis to revelation the emphasis of scripture is living life for the glory of god. (1 cor. 10:31 for example). when the emphasis is always on “me”, how can we expect anyone to know that the greatest joy in life is joy in christ?

john piper asks a great question in his book, god is the gospel

“Would you be happy to go to heaven… to have all
your family there, to be free from all diseases, to
have every kind of pleasure you desire, etc….
would you be happy to go to heaven… if God were not there?”

if the message heard week end and week out is absent of the call for finding fulfillment in joy in christ, how can the heaer answer yes to that question.. or even know that they should?

to be sure, christians are to have blessings and pleasure. but if at the root of our blessings and pleasure the joy is in the gifts and not the giver, then we are idolaters.

having our best life now is recognizing that any and all good things in our lives are the result of the grace and mercy of god, the chief of which is the salvation of undeserving sinners offered freely by god through the life, death, burial and resurrection of jesus christ. this is teh message of christianity. we can be better husbands and wives, better parents, better employees, have better relationships with our friends and families, even put in a lot of hard work and effort to improve our lifestyles. but if the foundation of our joy is not rooted in joy in christ, then how will we view our lives if all the “stuff” goes away? when thieves steal and moth and rust destroy?

our best life is the gospel- and the benefit comes not from our trying harder, but from our recognition of our inability to satisfy our deepest desires and the utter ability of christ to do just that. but not because of the lifestyle he can give us- but because of the life he gives.

so no, i do not think joel osteen is evil, or the anti-christ, or even a mean person. i mean no disrespect of his person and i do not call in to question his character.
but the message of joel osteen makes me fear for those who hear it and assume it is the gospel. rather than getting their “best life now..” they may be missing any chance of life at all.

(for previous discussions and further concerns regarding this matter see here and here)

 

listening to what obama says (not what you think he will say)

full disclosure: i did not vote for obama. i do not like his ideology, nor most of his proposed methods of running the government. it has nothing to do with race, or that he ran as a democrat. i reject his worldview and his political ambitions, even so, scripture tells us to pray for our leaders and, insofar as they do not call us to support disobedience to the lord, to obey them.

there are a lot of things that obama has said regarding a lot of things that i completely disagree with and think he is missing the point. so i have no allegiance to him or his policies other than praying for him. but, i am not against everything he says or does, even if i do not yet know what it is.

unfortunately there are too many who will, no matter what, seek to see an evil plot in everything with his fingerprint. while i abhor his position on abortion, disagree with his views on health care, government involvement, and a host of other issues, i hope to at least seek to understand *what* he is saying before i decide what i think about it.

with his comments to public school children coming today, there are already a host of people who have already decided that they disagree with what he will say. based on the actual text of what he will say in his speech (w/out consideration of anything subsequently related to the president regarding lesson plans for dept. of education directives, etc.) i can celebrate what he is saying. i hope you will take the time to hear what he says before deciding what you think. part of being a responsible citizen (and christian) is being informed.
whether you like him or voted for him or not, pray for him- that we know we should do.

read the text of the speech here.

 

real love for a real life

 

Twenty weeks into their pregnancy, T. K. and Deidrea Laux found out that their son had Trisomy 13—a rare DNA abnormality. After being counseled that “terminating the pregnancy” would be an option, they chose life. In Deidrea’s own words:

“We didn’t not terminate because we were hanging on to some sort of hope that there was a medical mistake or there was gonna be some sort of medical miracle. We didn’t terminate because he’s our son.”

The Dallas Morning News has produced this video chronicling the birth and home-going of Thomas… Praise God for this sweet family. What a testimony to the precious value of life.

click here to watch choosing thomas

HT:Vitamin Z and Denny Burk

 

creative ways to say “he died”…

if you have never been to the blog “stuff christians like” then you are missing out on what could be the most fulfilling part of your day. the site is a hilarious collection of the absurd and often head scratching things that we christians seem to do, say, appreciate, support, etc.
the author,jon, is himself a christian, which makes his observations even more authentic. i dare you to read through the over 600 posts and see if you don’t find yourself laughing yourself out of your “got jesus?” t-shirt…

for a taste, here is an excerpt from the latest post on how we christians come up with our own way of saying “he/she died”

Christians excel at coming up with creative ways to say, “He died.” Like few people on the planet, we can eulogize the loss of a friend. And if I do go anytime soon, I hope you’ll pick one of these four popular methods to say “He’s dead.”:

1. “Heaven got a new football coach.”
I read this one the other day in a newspaper article and although it won’t fit perfectly for me or maybe you, the concept works. Whatever you were doing on earth just so happens to be something they needed in heaven and now you’ll be able to fulfill that role beyond the pearly white gates. In this case, the guy was a football coach, in my case, a sarcastic writer. Either way, it’s kind of funny because it calls to mind a bunch of angels sitting around on a field with some former NFL stars wishing they had a coach who could lead them through some drills. All of the sudden, poof, he’s there and the angels are finally able to practice and eventually play the demons that Frank Peretti created in his book “Facing the Darkness.” (The demon football team by the way uses the Raiders uniform and the angels are modeled after the New England Patriots. You’ll probably claim bias on my part since I’m from New England but I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible.)

2. “He’s looking down on us from heaven.”
Based on what we say when someone passes away, heaven involves a lot of looking down. When you get up there, there’s just a big window back to earth and instead of TV, you just watch what the people you love are doing. If that’s true, I have to imagine that some of the people watching me, like my grandfather, are like people at a horror movie that yell at the screen. Instead of screaming, “Don’t open that closet,” my grandfather says things like, “Don’t take that job Jon! Stop thinking about money first. Write your second book instead of watching an MTV Real World marathon. Oh no, you are killing me.” He probably doesn’t say that last sentence, but I do have to confess that it feels a little egotistical to assume that when someone goes to heaven, one of the main activities they do is watch our lives. They’re in heaven. No offense, I’ll keep tabs on ya’ll with whatever sort of angelic Twitter they have in heaven but I have to believe there will be a majillionity other cool things to do in heaven that don’t involve me watching you go to the grocery store or file your taxes.

3. “He’s with his wife now.”
Although I’ve cleared my wife to marry someone who is shorter, less funny and less handsome than me should I die an early death, according to what many people say, she’ll come hang out with me when it’s all over. It’s very popular to imagine heaven like this bus depot where our loved ones are waiting for us to finally join them. Is that what heaven is like? Do all your buddies and family members that passed away before you make a welcome home banner that they hang from palm trees (my version of heaven is all palm trees) and then when you get there, they say, “That took forever, we’ve been trying to put together a foursome for Frisbie golf. Finally.” I don’t know about that one, tough call.

4. “He’s gone to a better place.”
One of my favorite things about being a Christian is that you never have to say the phrase, “It doesn’t get any better than this,” because it does. Even if you’re one of those people I see on the television show International House Hunters where they go look at three different houses in foreign locations like the Grand Caymans Islands and then buy one and say, “We love it here. We’re so glad we’re not a middle class copywriter living in Georgia who doesn’t get to tickle dolphins every morning when the sun wakes us up from our beds, which by the way, are hammocks woven of happiness.” Even if you’re that guy, it does get better. Heaven is better, and I’m a big fan of the simplicity of “He’s gone to a better place.”

I’m not sure what people will say after I die, hopefully it will be something from that list because those are my four favorite options.